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Silence, and sorrow, were quite common from him, though there was something disquieting about this silence; it fell thick and heavy, and the closer she drew to him, the stronger the feeling of anguish became, to the point where it was overwhelming. Swallowing hard, Antonia knelt before him, as a grown up would to a crying child, and softly placed a hand on the top of his head. Jan cringed, still not accustomed to human contact, even from her, refusing to lift his head to get a good look at his soon-to-be savior. Furrowing her brow, she asked in a worried tone, "Hey hun.. are you alright?"
There was a brief pause, followed by a resentful sigh, and a mumbled, muffled reply. "I'm afraid.. " "Afraid? How silly.." she half laughed; anything to lighten the mood, I suppose. Though she really had not known him for very long, she had already grown quite attached to him, and she did not like to see him in pain. Empathetic as she was, problem solving was something she came by naturally. ".. why? What are you so scared of?" Finally coming out of his shell, he lifted his head from his arms to look at her with that sorrow-stricken gaze, that cut straight to the heart; his pain had just hit her like a ton of bricks, and she had left herself unguarded. She choked momentarily, until he opened his mouth to speak. "The fact that you indirectly said you 'cared' about me was like a flashing warning from my subconscious, telling me to stay on my guard because you're probably lying. I'm scared that I'm getting too attached, which is just another warning to back up a step because I'm afraid I'll drive you away with my obsessive and clingy nature..." His gaze drifted floor-ward and aside from her; those were such painful words for him to speak to those eyes, so pure and honest. "I'm also scared of being happy, because I feel I wouldn't know who I am anymore.. because if I was happy as a human, when I go back to being a vampire, I'll be even more miserable. I'll want to bury myself again because I feel nothings worth the effort anymore, because there's no way I'll ever understand anything about this time period, and I don't want to get close to people because I don't want to be the one to witness their deaths, and not be able to do anything about it because I'll be the one in charge of reaping their souls when they die.." The words stopped flowing there, as he cut himself off before he let himself get too out of hand. Brow furrowed and eyes moist, she watched him tremble in his huddled position on the floor in front of her; seeing him like this never made her happy, and she now felt like crying herself. Instead, she took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, trying to settle her rattling thoughts. "Ok.. well.. let's take this one thing at a time, shall we?" she said as lightly as possible as she shifted her position to get comfortable, sitting cross-legged on the ground. "First off... I wasn't lying. I do care about you, and the fact that I feel like crying right now should be proof enough..", she pointed out, moving a trembling hand from her rumbling chest. "I.. have a really hard time lying, and I'm usually very brutally honest because I know that, lying is one of the worst things you can do to a person.. if I ever do lie, you'll notice right away, cause' if I do, my behavior changes dramatically, and I can't keep it up for very long; its like my conscience's way of keeping me honest.. as for driving me away.. well.." The words dragged for a little while as she gave herself time to stretch out one leg to his side and hug his shins close to her heart. ".. that's going to be pretty hard to do." she said affirmatively with a playful smile. "Just because I get angry and need a little space doesn't mean that I hate you, it just means I need a little time to deal with my issues. No one has successfully driven me away yet, they have only driven themselves away from me with their choices.." It was then that her gaze also followed the same path as his, settled on the floor beside her as she tried to think of a way she could possibly give him some insight on his final problem; however, she was no t immortal, and found that she came up short. "... I could understand why you would be upset by your position.. I haven't been there before, but I could imagine how hard it would be.." Then, something clicked. "Although, I do have one piece of advice I could offer you... if you want to hear it." Jan was quite, as he chewed on her words in silent contemplation; his stormy blue eyes still seemed lifeless, for the most part, but the gears had started to turn again. "You've always had very strained relationships with other people, haven't you?" Doctor Popo is in the house... or so it seems. Again he looked up at her, this time, smiling softly. "Not really.. I used to be wonderful with people. I was selective when it came to my acquaintances, but overall I loved being with and around people. After that, I don't really know what happened..." He paused to glance at the floor, the back to her. "I'm sorry for making you feel like crying.." She chuckled, trying to shrug it off like it wasn't her problem. "And I'm sorry you're in so much emotional turmoil.. I want to help, but I feel like all my advice would never be good enough for you.. its easy for me to console those whose lifespans are.. limited, I'm just flying blind here, and hoping something will stick..." She chuckled as she rambled, not really looking at him as she twiddled her thumbs under his knees, feeling nervous in the silence that was growing between them. After more than a few moments of silence, he himself chuckled at her. So kind.. "The fact that you're warm and honest is more than enough for me, so you don't have to worry about your advice being good enough." "B-but-..," she started worriedly, biting her lip as she glanced away, trying to suppress a memory that was trying to snake its way into her mind and cause her trust to waver; she grasped his legs firmer than before. He was her security now, and this was when she knew, it wouldn't be long before she fell headlong for him. The thought, of not having her love, reciprocated, flew through her mind and made her want to cry yet again, though, as she had become so good at doing over the years, she masked this pain with the face of a lie. How many times had she lied to herself to protect herself from disappointment? Anger? Sorrow? Would she ever be able to stop lying to herself? ".. promise?" she looked up pleadingly at him as if to say 'don't lie to me please.. I couldn't take another disappointment'. "Gentleman's word." he replied with a warm smile, and leaned over to rub her nose with his. Guess she had found the answer to that question. Here she had just met this man, perhaps a couple of months prior, and her defenses were already crumbling at the mercy of those eyes, so sweet and loyal, that begged her to trust him. Perhaps.. I could try again after all.. ----------------- Do note that they never call each other by name. Lyrics, for those whom haven't heard the song by HIM called 'Killing Lonliness' Memories, sharp as daggers Pierce into the flesh of today Suicide of love took away all that matters And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness) With the warmth of your arms you saved me, Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb I'm killing loneliness Nailed to the cross, together As solitude begs us to stay Disappear in the lie forever And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are said to start a war With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness) With the warmth of your arms you saved me, Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb I'm killing loneliness Killing loneliness With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness) With the warmth of your arms you saved me Antonia (Popo) © Sanctioned Jan ©  |
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June 3, 2007
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Comments
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"Sorry, I got a sudden urge to hit him when I looked at his face." - Bulgaria, episode 27 of Axis Powers Hetalia
:3 lawl his undies are showing.
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I moved from [link]
(me)Jeremy Squirrel: "SAILOR...STAR BOY!...STAR NIPS, GO!!!!" [link]
(nikki)Sailor Mars: >.> "Go die nao plz."
what did you use to do it? o:
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she hides all her pain and tears behind and empty wall of fears, her smile fakes the life she wants to love
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"Art is a... BANG!" -Deidara
DEISAKU WOOT WOOT!!! ~DeidaraSakuraFC
AkariXDei FOREVER!!
A shame faye poofed last night thou D;!!
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Taylor: "OK, I have a question..."
Me: "I love how you ask me like I have all the answers."
i really like the shading on Jans hoodie, and their hair
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Little
bit of everything.
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My goals for the future:
-Start an "evil organization" (cause being evil makes you hot)
-Take over the world
-Go to more cons!
-meet Brad Pitt ^___________^
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